Diary of a 20-something Nigerian: job interviews, self-acceptance and finding God (maybe)
12:40 pm, Thursday, September 21.
Since I was a kid, I’ve been more melancholy than others.
I’ve always been more in tune with the slower, “sadder” parts of this reality than its sunnier counterparts.
Of course, this means I can be negative and doubting of the world and myself, I can be closed off and remote, and I can also be cynical and combative. I’m learning to see it fully now.
My mum would always tell me “Stop being so negative” because as a child I just never felt like good found me.
I don’t know if that makes sense, but I never asked for much because I automatically felt I would not be given, I never really aspired to be much, because I didn’t feel like I was favoured.
Of course, this also has to do with self-esteem issues I battled with as a child and still battle with, even as an adult, but at the very core of my being, I think I’m just more melancholy than the average person.
Again, I’m learning to see it fully now.
This means that I’m trying to acknowledge my sadnesses and my lows, learning to stop building fortresses that further trap me in despair, and I’m learning to observe my feelings from a higher point.
See them and greet them, but not wallow.
It hasn’t been easy.When I was younger I felt like I pushed people away with these qualities; no one likes to be around a downer, and kids are usually happy and playful and seeking fun. I wasn’t like that.
In secondary school, I started to mask this a lot, mostly because my friend at the time would point it out a lot.
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