I can’t get my anxiety under control
There’s just so much of everything.
My racing mind forbids any calm. It’s just a swarm of incomprehensible emotion. I keep telling myself I’m okay, that everything is ok, but anxiety is telling me differently; and it’s hard not to believe it.
What am I even thinking about??
My mind races without focusing on each anxious thought completely. I try to solve one only for it to evolve into another. My heart pounding trying to find the calm but only feeling chaos.
My eyes can feel the welt of tears just under the surface. One small action can result in an erratic emotional response.
They say to practice your breaths. To inhale with a big exhale but it doesn’t take it away. They say to ground yourself. What can you see? What can you feel? What do you taste? Focus and you will find some peace. My mind has other plans. It races with its own ideas.
Most of the time you can’t see my anxiety unless you know me very well. I can sit looking calm while I feel a fire inside me. My mood usually gives me away. The irritability in not having control of my emotions disrupts my ability to be me.
Why is this here? Why do I have to live life with this? Why can’t I be in control?
I feel like a mess. So, I start to hide. I want to isolate to protect myself. I don’t want anyone to see vulnerability or weakness. I lack the ability to be in control of my emotions therefore I am not me. I am anxiety.
I wonder if there will ever be a day of simplicity.
Where everything flows with ease. A day I can be completely myself without restrictions or hinderances. A moment where I take that deep breath and in its release feel the weight eased in my soul.
Life will never be perfect. I get that. I know there will always be something to worry or think about. I just look for the moments of peace. The times I can appreciate the flow of life.
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