Arguing about facts doesn’t work — why Politics should be like Couples Therapy
In the Show Time documentary series Couples Therapy, middle aged couple Elaine and Desean are at loggerheads. Elaine feels that her husband Desean doesn’t pay her any attention. Desean insists that he gives her everything he has and simply can’t offer more. Elaine is full of pain and rage that Desean seems totally uninterested in her. Desean feels he has a wife who is on him 24 hours a day and can never be pleased.
It’s an irreconcilable argument. Who’s right? Whose fault is it? How can it be fixed? Through the therapy sessions we gradually piece together what’s really ‘at the heart of it’ for Desean and Elaine. Desean feels completely overwhelmed by Elaine’s constant demand for attention, and decides to pull away so as to not ‘reward’ her behaviour (his words). But in doing so, he inadvertently plays into Elaine’s core anxiety — being abandoned. This is a fear cultivated from a childhood characterised by abandonment, and something she carries with her, framing her view of the world. Her response to this perceived abandonment is to push harder, which overwhelms Desean even more. All Elaine’s fault then? Not so fast, because Desean’s core anxiety is conflict. As a black man living in America, being confrontational can be a death sentence. He has learned to avoid conflict like the plague, and instead of setting boundaries with Elaine, he distances himself. He abandons Elaine. A vicious cycle begins.Dr Guralnik carefully manages to reframe their struggle, by uncovering these core fears. Elaine isn’t mad at Desean, she’s terrified. Desean isn’t abandoning Elaine because he doesn’t care, he’s overwhelmed. Now they can both see what’s ‘at the heart of it’ they can begin a constructive conversation. It doesn’t immediately solve the issue or heal the wounds, but it does mean that the vicious cycle is tamed. When Desean sees Elaine is getting upset, he can see that that pulling away (avoiding conflict) will only make things worse. When Elaine sees Desean is not responsive, she can see that pushing him harder will only make things worse. Both need to change their mindset, change their approach and reach out to each other.
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