Everyone is Shy. And Confidence Is A Con.
We’ve all been there before. Your palms start sweating when you walk into a party where you don’t know anyone. Your heart races when you try to make small talk with strangers. No matter how much you psych yourself up beforehand, mingling in crowds feels painfully awkward. In these moments, it seems like everyone else is at ease — making witty conversation, connecting effortlessly, radiating confidence.
But here’s the truth: they aren’t. Shyness is a universal human experience. Even the most charismatic extroverts have secret moments of insecurity. We all put on a bit of an act in social situations to cover up anxiety and self-consciousness.
I’ve been getting up on stage — performing, singing, DJing, speaking — for two decades. And I can tell you, the fear doesn’t go away. It sticks around to remind you that you give a s**t. No matter who you are, you’re probably in the same boat as me.
Recognising this shared humanity can help us release judgment and connect more deeply.
The Shy Feelings Lurking Inside Everyone
Shyness stems from our fundamental human biology/psychology. Research suggests genetics make up about 50% of our shyness. Brain chemistry also plays a role. Neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin regulate mood and emotions. If our brains are low in these chemicals, we will likely feel shy or anxious in social situations. From an evolutionary perspective, moderate social anxiety may have helped early humans survive in tight-knit tribal groups. Appearing too overtly aggressive or different was a liability. According to anthropologist Brian Little, humans are wired to be sensitive to social cues for acceptance and ostracisation. We instinctively avoid standing out too much, which can activate shy tendencies.
Shyness is not some anomaly or character flaw. It arises from our most basic human programming. Even the boldest extroverts have moments of self-consciousness and caution. Actors, politicians, and comedians — those expected to be endlessly chatty and magnetic — often describe themselves as introverts. Julia Roberts has admitted she was “born with the shyness gene.” Larry David calls himself “fundamentally shy.” Oprah Winfrey claims being an introvert makes hosting interviews challenging. As children, both Elton John and rapper Kendrick Lamar were so shy they refused to speak in public.
Shyness has little respect for success, status, or celebrity. The difference is they’ve learned to consciously override and manage that initial reticence in a way shy people have not. But the discomfort is still there. They say, “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” At the very least, assume they are likely grappling with some degree of shyness, just like you.
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