Five Things I Hear Too Much as a Survivor
No one likes to hear that a loved one, or even a stranger, has had a traumatic experience. When we do, most of us struggle to know what to say. Since I started sharing my story of abuse, I’ve found there are a handful of phrases people seem to default to. Though well-intentioned, most of these land painfully with me.
I know they come from a good place, so please don’t feel bad if you’ve said these things to me or to another survivor. Some of them I’ve said too, many times. But since I found myself on the receiving end, I’ve realised many of these statements fall short of the comfort or support they are meant with. At least for me.
Here are my five pet peeves and some suggestions of what to say instead
YOU SAY ‘I’m sorry that happened to you’
I HEAR ‘I feel sorry for you’
This is one I used to say ALL the time. It seems to be the most common response, even on peer support forums from one survivor to another. A couple of years ago, someone called me out on it and their rationale really stuck with me. They told me they didn’t need or want a sorry. For a start what happened to them wasn’t my fault plus they’d come to see it all as ‘morally edifying’. The further I’ve got in my healing, the more this rings true for me too.
Of course I’d rather not have experienced sexual violence at all. But there’s no point anyone being sorry about things they didn’t cause and cannot undo. Through facing my trauma, my life has shrunk: socially, geographically and professionally. But it has also expanded in unexpected ways. I have become more self aware, more spiritual, more empathetic to others... Without going through such difficult things I’m not sure I’d be the person I am now. Increasingly, I’m happy to say I like that person.
Being constantly told people are sorry for what happened can shift me back into a victim mindset. Whilst feeling sorry for myself is something I allow from time to time, it’s not a good place to get stuck in. In sharing my story, whether with loved ones or here on Medium, I’m taking back the power that was stolen from me by my abusers. That’s something to celebrate, not feel sorry about. So if it wasn’t your fault that bad things…
0 Comments