What I Wish I Knew About Love and Sex as a Young Woman
Fifteen going on sixteen, I didn’t know a single thing about sex.
My first time occurred in a dark, narrow room in Balboa Beach on a sunny California day. I didn’t intend to have sex. I had no conscious understanding of what the sex act entailed. When it was over, I didn’t realize sex had occurred.
We kissed, fondled, and rubbed against one another. But I’m pretty sure I had my clothes on the whole time. So how did he get his dang thing in the right place? He must have removed my panties and slipped it up under my skirt.
I followed the young man’s lead as if in a frenzied but hypnotic trance. Why? Because I wanted to be acknowledged, appreciated, and loved.
That unconscious emotional need set the tone of my sex and love life for decades to come.
I suspect most young women, these days, are far more knowledgeable about sex than I was back in dinosaur times. But according to a 2022 U.N. report on unintended pregnancy, many women still feel pressured to engage in sex.Of course, women have little if any power over their personal choices in some cultures around the world. But even my younger and relatively privileged female friends tell me they struggle with asserting their boundaries with men, in bed and out.
If you’re stuck in a cycle of seeking love and self-esteem from another, I hope you can learn from my mistakes, and these three things I wish I had known about love and sex when I was younger.
I wish I had known I didn’t have to have sex to be loved
After my first time, I didn’t have sex again until I turned eighteen and went to college. It was the heyday of the sexual revolution. I didn’t have to explain myself to anyone.
I proceeded to enthusiastically seek love through an uncountable number of sexual encounters—ones that were not necessarily safe, smart, or sane.
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