I Will Never Forgive Him for Making Me Feel Beautiful
I am no threat to you. This, I promise you. I just want to live. That’s all.
When the sun rises at dawn, I want to feel safe. When it retires at dusk, I want to feel safe.
The dust blew around the city, and I felt like a piece of old furniture sitting patiently in an attic. Gathering dust. I was once a glorious piece. I had pride and place. The winds of change had other ideas.
I sat and absorbed it all. I waited patiently to be recognised. To be noticed. Like a puppy in a shelter. It was self-pitying. The desire to be loved in a country that views me as a freak is a luxury.
As a child, I had an image of the woman I would be firmly engrained into my mind. Not just who I was but who I would be with, again, that surpassed aesthetics. I would be with someone kind. It wouldn’t matter who I once was. We would have a family. We would have a home. We would go on walks in autumn when the air turned cold. We would celebrate Christmas, Ramazan and Yom Kippur.
I was good and lost in a fool’s paradise.I’ve known Rüştü for only a few weeks, but my feelings for him are real. When I look at him, I can feel my pupils dilate. I can feel my heart beating like a military band. I smile, even when I shouldn’t. Even when he’s in a place of deep meditation. I smile.
My tongue gets tied and twisted. Rüştü sits patiently. He sits patiently and allows the words to come out. They always fall gently from lips, and he smiled a little wider with every word.
The fact that I am trans was an irrelevance. It did not matter. The qualifier is unqualified.
0 Comments