You Can’t Golden Rule Your Way into a Healthy Relationship
There’s something to be said for living your life by the Golden Rule. Treating others in the way we want to be treated seems like a worthwhile endeavor. But I did it wrong. Or took it too far. I’m not sure which.
Because I applied the Golden Rule to my romantic relationships. I treated my partners the way I wanted to be treated. I didn’t just show respect in the way I wanted to be respected. I didn’t just love in the way that I wanted to be loved. I did things for them that I really wanted someone to do for me. I tried to Golden Rule my way into the relationship I really wanted. I was basically modeling the treatment I wanted to receive while never actually saying that’s what I was doing.
This likely doesn’t sound like the worst thing, but here’s the flaw: If we’re treating our partners in the way we want them to treat us, we’re setting up an expectation — and setting ourselves up for disappointment. To be fair, I never did this on purpose. I made this my relationship style by default. I’ve known what it’s like to be loved with conditions. I wanted to give love that was strong, undeniable, and unconditional. I was projecting the love I needed onto the partners I’d chosen.
It sounds ideal in a way, but I was making up for any lack in the relationship with extra effort. I made romantic gestures for the partner who eschewed romance. I was extra loving and supportive to the partner who had been slowly withdrawing both love and support. I was the fun-loving, exciting partner for the minimal effort man. I brought what I needed to relationships, but I wasn’t actually getting my needs met. Most of the time, I was asking for the bare minimum and then making up the difference myself.
These days, the Golden Rule is out. Energy matching is in. While I still treat people in the way that I want to be treated, I don’t take this to mean that I should project what I want onto a relationship that’s unwilling to meet my needs. I’m not expending extra effort on low-effort individuals. Instead, I’m matching energy.
“If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency…
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