Your Partner’s Depressed — Should You Support Them?
Okay, I hear the gasps of horror over this title.
What? A depressed partner? Of course you should support them when they’re going through mental illness! That’s what a relationship — love — is all about. How could a clinical psychologist float such a thing?
But, hold on a minute.
Let me put my case.
Through my work as a therapist, I’ve seen so many people struggle in relationships with depressed partners that I’ve had to look at it from both sides.
Most depressed people don’t just struggle with low mood. Depression is a package deal, bringing a deluge of emotions — sadness, irritability/anger, fear, guilt, self-blame, self-criticism, hopelessness, despair and suicidal thoughts.
Then there are the behaviours that frequently go with them. For example, withdrawal and isolation, lack of energy and motivation, unwillingness to leave the house or engage with others; the self-harm attempts, impulsivity and/or reckless behaviours, addictions, conflict, loss of interest in, often, anything. And more, sometimes much more.
It’s a lot for any partner to support. A LOT. Because it’s worrying, frustrating, unpredictable —exhausting. You learn to live on high alert, in a constant state of anticipation, not sure what to do (or how much to encourage or push) waiting for the next crisis.
Many partners report feeling helpless in the face of it — especially when the condition is chronic or recurring.
So it’s only human to question wanting to be there. Even if you don’t say it out loud. Even if it’s only in your head.
In sickness and in health, right?
When you sign up for a serious relationship, it’s usually under the “better or for worse” banner — even if there’s no binding contract.
If you love someone, you expect to be there for them in good times and in bad — including when they are not well. That’s part of the deal. But when bad times strike (and persist) it puts a huge strain on even the best relationships.
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